Women: You Look Marvelous but I Cannot Get Close to You

A Good Looking Woman (GLW) is truly God’s gift to mankind. Straight and gay men all agree that nothing makes their day like a smile from a GLW. We also appreciate all the efforts that these women go through to look so beautiful. Obviously, I don’t know – or really want to know – what most of those things are but I have heard that it’s a long and painful process and generally happens on a daily basis.

This post, by the way, is about external and superficial beauty and has nothing to do with inner beauty. No doubt, women (and people) can be beautiful on the inside – in the non-medical way – but finding about that beauty generally requires conversations with ugly people. I don’t know about gay men, but straight guys aren’t very good at having conversations with ugly women in order to find out if they are beautiful on the inside. These conversations only take place when men are looking for a wife/beard and that only happens a few times in a person’s life – thank goodness.

Anyway, there is a problem with around 90 percent of today’s GLWs. My assumption is that this problem is a direct result of their “beautify-ing” efforts and, therefore, we, men, should accept it as a sunk cost. Unfortunately, this problem has become a bit too common lately and that’s why I am bringing it up. In order to keep their body-fat percentage low, today’s GLW follows a very strict diet made up of non-aromatic food. Now, since I am not eating with a GLW, that doesn’t affect me. What does impact me are the smells that emanate from said GLW post-meal. In recent days, I have spent some time around a few GLWs and almost run out of the room looking for some fresh air.

Let’s be honest, straight and gay men aren’t looking for intellectual conversation from the GLWs – we have ugly women and men for that – we just want to stand around and look at them. When it’s physically impossible to stand next to a GLW because it may “knock you out,” it may be time for drastic measures. Now, I’m not gutsy enough to propose this to a GLW in-person so my intention is to use this post to communicate my message: Have tons of sugar-free breath mints dear.*

* It did occur to me that these women may be smelly on purpose as they might not want other people close to them. In the case, we should just put a cone around them because GLWs, you stink!