All Sorts of Things

Random posts on all sorts of things designed to inform and provoke.

Baldness: The Golden Age but Better to Go Early than Late

Every man lives in fear of going bald, especially early in life. Many a tear has been shed and prayer been … prayed, in the hope of reversing nature’s cruel theft of a person’s crowning glory. Unfortunately, for most men, it’s not a question of if they will lose their hair but when. Indeed, it’s a well-known fact that men who do not lose their hair are destined to go to hell since their life on earth is pure heaven.

The world’s massive group of bald men are divided into two groups: those that go bald early and those that go bald late. While members of both groups are screwed in terms of professional and personal success compared to the full-haired man, there are some benefits that can be realized by men in both groups. Let’s first talk about men who go bald late in life; in general, a man knows whether he will go bald and the late-in-life-baldie can life his hair-ful life to the extreme. He can sleep with as many women as he can, achieve maximum professional success, and be the envy of everyone around him until that day when his sink gives him the bad news.

The early-baldie, on the other hand, has a bit of a tougher road. He starts his life at a disadvantage, not unlike a member of the British sports team, but with hard work and some patience can achieve limited success early in life, similar to an American tennis player. The early baldie’s real success, however, comes late in life when the other men are going through their hair loss and panicking at the consequent loss of prestige, the early bald is now confident in his style and understands how to maximize his shiny moon. The tables have truly turned as this confident man now enters a world where women are reaching their sexual peak; indeed, that is why so many early-bald men divorce their wives and market their services to women who were beyond their reach early in life.

Overall though, the new century has been remarkably kind to the bald man. While we went through a tough few decades as hats went out of fashion and those dang Beatles made long hair attractive, Michael Jordan, Bruce Willis and Andre Agassi’s ascension to the bald hall-of-fame started a new bald golden age. So, hold your head high bald man, just make sure to not blind the person across from you with your bright reflection.

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This entry was posted on October 3, 2012 by in Culture and tagged , , , , , , .
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