Random posts on all sorts of things designed to inform and provoke.
Since the end of the political season a few weeks ago, Americans have been going through an intense detoxification period. While that may be a good thing, it isn’t pleasant and Americans don’t like any sort of unpleasantness. We were, therefore, quite happy to be once again inundated with television and internet commercials, fliers, phone calls, etc. telling us what’s good for us and what we should do. The difference, this time, is that these pronouncements are announcing the start of the annual holiday shopping season – one in which corporations tell everyone what they should get in order to buy the love of their family members. By the way, participation in this travesty is especially important if you hate your relative because nothing says I hate the fact that we belong to the same gene pool like an ugly Christmas sweater.
The success of every shopping season depends on the demand for that one product that, until last weekend, was destined to end up in your garbage can. This year is no different and retailers have already begun to tell you, the doofus consumer, about that things without which your life will not be complete. Oh, and you better hurry, because that one thing which will make you the center of the universe will soon disappear from the shelves leaving you as the one loser who is not the center of the universe. (If you think that this argument makes no sense then you clearly are a member of the loser group and should absolutely buy that one necessary life-affirming item.) So, don’t wait, get to that store on Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, or Cyber Monday. Hell, why wait until Friday, you can now get to the store and get that one thing that you cannot live without on Thursday night. Actually, that’s the ideal time because once you’ve finished your meal, there really isn’t any reason to spend time with your family so you might as well head to the store to buy their affection.
Also, don’t ignore the negative corrosive attitude of your fellow consumers or the folks working in the stores. The fellow consumers are simple: they are the enemy. Use your elbows, knees, umbrellas, etc. to mow them down and leave them in a writhing heap on the floor, drowning in their own spit and blood. The workers are a little different: you should mow them down but not too hard since you will need them to tell you which aisle has that thing you must have! So, mow them down first and, after you get your item, stomp on them. Just make sure to leave some blood on the floor … that is what this season is all about.